I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
