His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
