if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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