I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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