I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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