dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
