The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Less talking, more tequila
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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