I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
