I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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