Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
