if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I am never drinking with the goths again.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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