mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
