Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
