I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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