you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
