i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
