Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Randomize
