pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.