you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.