after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???