Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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