if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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