god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
