so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
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My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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