I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
