No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I will die if light touches me.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
