You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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