Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize