The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
