he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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