You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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