i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
