Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
