Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
