Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
