just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I have tasted many bathrooms
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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