at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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