and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
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Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
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And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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