She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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