at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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