one might say we're banned from that church
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
