This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
