Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
