I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
