I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
