he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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