Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich