I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
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A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
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please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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