We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
