I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
