Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
