Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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