whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
zippers are such a cool invention
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
