Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
we're so committed to being not committed
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
