: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
