yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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