I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
